A Borrowed Life Read online

  PRAISE FOR KERRY ANNE KING

  Praise for A Borrowed Life

  “In this vivid and triumphant tale, a woman loses her controlling husband and discovers she’s been tightly contained in a cocoon for decades. Learning who she is, one step at a time like an unsteady toddler, means challenging everything and every relationship in her life—and grappling with surprises that will turn her world upside down. Is she Elizabeth, the tight-laced pastor’s wife, or Liz, the thespian who has a point of view all her own? Earthy, unpredictable, and wildly enjoyable.”

  —Barbara O’Neal, Wall Street Journal and Washington Post bestselling author of When We Believed in Mermaids

  “Watching Liz Lightsey come back to life after years of letting her identity slide away is a treat. A Borrowed Life shows Kerry Anne King at her empathetic best, writing a tale of passion, meaning, and growth at any age, and leaving this reader touched and delighted!”

  —Kelly Harms, Washington Post bestselling author of The Bright Side of Going Dark

  “Written by Kerry Anne King with humor and heart, A Borrowed Life is the story of Liz, a woman who finds herself at a midlife crossroads and bravely decides to reinvent her life by taking a giant leap outside her comfort zone. At times hilarious and cringe inducing, heartbreakingly sad and bursting with joy, Liz’s unpredictable journey will have you gasping at every turn. I loved this book!”

  —Loretta Nyhan, bestselling author of Digging In

  “Kerry Anne King’s A Borrowed Life is both beautifully written and unflinchingly honest. A cautionary tale about the insidious ways we allow others to keep us small, it’s also a lesson on the enormous power of love and friendship, and how the people in our lives can lend us strength as we grow, cheering us on to be our best lives and who we are truly meant to be. This story with its wonderful cast of characters is one that will grab you by the heart and refuse to let go.”

  —Barbara Davis, bestselling author of When Never Comes

  “Life has a way of coming up with surprises, even for people who know themselves to be settled. In Kerry Anne King’s latest wonderful novel, Elizabeth is a mother and dutiful pastor’s wife, serving the needs of her family and the church. But when Thomas suddenly dies, Elizabeth embarks on a journey of self-discovery that awakens her to life’s joys and losses, risks and magic. With A Borrowed Life, King has written a heartrending, page-turning novel that zips along with twists and turns, humor and poignancy, and will have you cheering (and gasping) as Elizabeth-now-Liz rediscovers the meaning of freedom and creativity and love.”

  —Maddie Dawson, bestselling author of Matchmaking for Beginners

  Praise for Everything You Are

  “Hopeful at its heart and sincere to its core, Everything You Are is a testament to the power of connection.”

  —Booklist

  “Everything You Are is a fresh, imaginative story about the power of dreams and our hunger to be who we really are. Kerry Anne King orchestrates a fluid, emotional, and wholly original tale of families, secrets, and the power of our gifts to free us. I loved every magical word.”

  —Barbara O’Neal, author of When We Believed in Mermaids

  “Real and raw, King’s Everything You Are is a gorgeous tale of life told between those lines too often blurred. Love and sorrow, regret and hope are woven into every aspect of the story by music—not just any music, but the magical kind that leaves both creator and listener, for better or worse, irrevocably changed.”

  —Terri-Lynne DeFino, author of The Bar Harbor Retirement Home for Famous Writers (and Their Muses)

  “Writing sensitively about characters struggling to overcome tragedy and loss, Kerry Anne King has delivered a beautiful, soulful novel that hits all the right notes—especially for music lovers. It will leave you with tears in your eyes and sighs of contentment when you reach the satisfying, emotional conclusion. A richly rewarding read.”

  —Julianne MacLean, USA Today bestselling author

  Praise for Whisper Me This

  “Rich in emotions and characters, Whisper Me This is a stunning tale of dark secrets, broken memories, and the resilience of the human spirit. The novel quickly pulls the reader onto a roller-coaster ride through grief, mystery, and cryptic journal entries. At the heart of the story is an unforgettable twelve-year-old, who has more sense than most adults, and her mother, Maisey, who is about to discover not only her courage, but the power of her voice. A book club must-read!”

  —Barbara Claypole White, bestselling author of The Perfect Son

  “Moving and emotionally taut, Whisper Me This is a gut-wrenching story of a family fractured by abuse and lies . . . and the ultimate sacrifice of a mother’s love. King once again proves herself an expert with family drama. A triumph of a book.”

  —Emily Carpenter, author of Burying the Honeysuckle Girls and The Weight of Lies

  “Kerry Anne King writes with such insight and compassion for human nature, and her latest novel, Whisper Me This, is no exception. The families on which the story centers have secrets they’ve kept through the years out of concern for the damage that might be done if they were exposed. But in the end as the families’ lives become intertwined and their secrets come inevitably to light, what is revealed to be the most riveting heart of this book are the gut-wrenching choices that were made in terrifying circumstances. One such choice haunted a mother throughout her lifetime and left behind a legacy of mistrust and confusion and a near-unsolvable mystery. Following the clues is an act of faith that sometimes wavers. There’s no guarantee the end will tie up in a neat bow, but the courage of the human spirit, its ability to heal, is persistent and luminous throughout the pages of this very real and emotive story. I loved it.”

  —Barbara Taylor Sissel, bestselling author of Crooked Little Lies and Faultlines

  Praise for I Wish You Happy

  “Laugh, cry, get angry, but most of all care in this wild ride of emotions delivered by Kerry Anne King. Brilliant prose inhabited by engaging characters makes this a story you cannot put down.”

  —Patricia Sands, author of the Love in Provence series

  “Depicting the depth of human frailty yet framing it within a picture of hope, I Wish You Happy pulls you in as you root for the flawed yet intoxicating characters to reach a satisfying conclusion of healing. King’s writing is impeccable—and her knowledge and exploration of depression and how it affects those it touches makes this a story that everyone will connect with.”

  —Kay Bratt, author of Wish Me Home

  “Kerry Anne King’s Rae is a woman caught between the safety of her animal rescue projects and the messy, sometimes terrifying reality of human relationships. You’ll never stop rooting for her as she steps into the light, risking everything for real friendship and love in this wistful, delicate, and ultimately triumphant tale.”

  —Emily Carpenter, author of Burying the Honeysuckle Girls and The Weight of Lies

  “Kerry Anne King explores happiness and depression [and] the concept of saving others versus saving ourselves in this wonderfully written and touching novel populated by real and layered people. If you want to read a book that restores your faith in humanity, pick up I Wish You Happy.”

  —Amulya Malladi, bestselling author of A House for Happy Mothers and The Copenhagen Affair

  “It’s the horrible accident that forms the backbone of the plot at the beginning of I Wish You Happy that will take your breath and have you turning the pages. The hook has a vivid, ripped-from-the-headlines vibe, one that will have you wondering what you would do, how you would respond in a similar situation. But there are so many other treasures to find in this story as it unfolds. From the warm, deeply human, and relatable characters to the heartbreaking and complex situation they find themselve
s in, this is a novel to savor, one you will be sorry to see end. Sometimes funny and often very wise and poignant, I Wish You Happy is a reading journey you do not want to miss.”

  —Barbara Taylor Sissel, bestselling author of Crooked Little Lies and Faultlines

  “Kerry Anne King has written a novel that will grab you right from page one and then take you zipping along, breaking your heart and making you laugh, both in equal measure. It’s a lovely story about how we save ourselves while we try to save those around us. I loved it!”

  —Maddie Dawson, author of six novels, including The Survivor’s Guide to Family Happiness

  Praise for Closer Home

  “A compelling and heartfelt tale. A must-read that is rich in relatable characters and emotions. Kerry Anne King is one to watch out for!”

  —Steena Holmes, New York Times and USA Today bestselling author

  “With social media conferring blistering fame and paparazzi exhibiting the tenacity often required to get a clear picture of our lives, King has created a high-stakes, public stage for her tale of complicated grief. A quick read with emotional depth you won’t soon forget.”

  —Kathryn Craft, author of The Far End of Happy and The Art of Falling

  “Closer Home is a story as memorable and meaningful as your favorite song, with a cast of characters so true to life you’ll be sorry to let them go.”

  —Sonja Yoerg, author of House Broken and Middle of Somewhere

  “Kerry Anne King’s tale of regret, loss, and love pulled me in, from its intriguing beginning to its oh-so-satisfying conclusion.”

  —Jackie Bouchard, USA Today bestselling author of House Trained and Rescue Me, Maybe

  “King’s prose is filled with vitality.”

  —Ella Carey, author of Paris Time Capsule and The House by the Lake

  ALSO BY KERRY ANNE KING

  Closer Home

  I Wish You Happy

  Whisper Me This

  Everything You Are

  This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, organizations, places, events, and incidents are either products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously.

  Text copyright © 2020 by Kerry Anne King

  All rights reserved.

  No part of this book may be reproduced, or stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without express written permission of the publisher.

  Published by Lake Union Publishing, Seattle

  www.apub.com

  Amazon, the Amazon logo, and Lake Union Publishing are trademarks of Amazon.com, Inc., or its affiliates.

  ISBN-13: 9781542019484

  ISBN-10: 1542019486

  Cover design by Faceout Studio, Spencer Fuller

  In memory of my mother, who inspired me with her own quest for creative freedom and taught me early that I could be anything that I wanted to be

  CONTENTS

  Start Reading

  As though to...

  Chapter One

  Chapter Two

  Chapter Three

  Chapter Four

  Chapter Five

  Chapter Six

  Chapter Seven

  Chapter Eight

  Chapter Nine

  Chapter Ten

  Chapter Eleven

  Chapter Twelve

  Chapter Thirteen

  Chapter Fourteen

  Chapter Fifteen

  Chapter Sixteen

  Chapter Seventeen

  Chapter Eighteen

  Chapter Nineteen

  Chapter Twenty

  Chapter Twenty-One

  Chapter Twenty-Two

  Chapter Twenty-Three

  Chapter Twenty-Four

  Chapter Twenty-Five

  Chapter Twenty-Six

  Chapter Twenty-Seven

  Chapter Twenty-Eight

  Chapter Twenty-Nine

  Chapter Thirty

  Chapter Thirty-One

  Chapter Thirty-Two

  Chapter Thirty-Three

  ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

  ABOUT THE AUTHOR

  I hope one day you say “yes” to everything that ever scared you. I hope you look back and laugh in the face of all those monsters that put fear in your hands and hesitation on your tongue. I hope you look at yourself and see your own heart staring back at you, and I hope you believe the way it pounds.

  —Stephanie Bennett-Henry

  As though to breathe were life!

  Life piled on life were all too little.

  —Alfred, Lord Tennyson

  Chapter One

  Thomas is snoring.

  Which means there’s a problem with his CPAP, which means that I, as the dutiful wife in this equation, should gently shake him awake lest he suffer brain damage from oxygen deprivation. But it’s very nearly five a.m., and if I wake him, that will be the end of all hope for time alone with my thoughts.

  How much does a little bit of oxygen deprivation really hurt a person, anyway? Surely he’ll be fine.

  With the finesse of long experience, I slide out of bed without jiggling the mattress. The room is full dark, but my questing fingers easily locate my bathrobe, draped over the foot of the bed. I tiptoe out of the room and ease the door closed behind me, reveling in the solitude as I pad, barefoot, down the hallway.

  I love the soft mystery of the shadowy kitchen illuminated only by the streetlight outside, but I love the peace and quiet even more. This is my time, this thirty minutes stolen from the demands and expectations of the day.

  First thing, I withdraw a single-serving packet of tuna from the pantry and stealthily open the back door. A disreputable orange cat sits at a wary distance, watching me. One ear is half missing, and he’s thinner than I’d like, but he looks better than he did when I caught him digging through my garbage can a few months back. Since then, we’ve come to an agreement. If I provide him morning tuna, he will leave my garbage alone. Beyond that concession, he is unwilling to go. I can’t get near him or touch him, and he won’t eat as long as I’m watching.

  When I go back inside, I drop the telltale evidence into the trash can in the kitchen, wash my hands, and retrieve my journal from its hiding place in the cupboard by the stove. Thomas is clear that a man’s place is never in the kitchen, so my secrets are more safely hidden behind the baking sheets than they would be under lock and key. Sometimes I stash novels in that cupboard, as well. There are things a pastor doesn’t need to know about his wife’s choice of reading material.

  Unlike the covers of the novels, fantasy romance featuring adventurous characters in scandalous states of inappropriate dress, my current journal appears demure and church-sanctioned. I won it as a prize at a women’s conference. Prayer Journal is printed in large letters across the front, followed by a scripture: A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in pitchers of silver. Proverbs 25:11.

  But what is inside strays far from the teachings of what I privately call the Church of Thomas, decidedly not fitting to my role of Pastor’s Wife and Helpmeet.

  Rendered solid and real by the magic of ink and paper, the thoughts I jot down here remind me that I am something more than Mrs. Thomas Lightsey. It’s not the first journal I’ve kept, and it won’t be the last. When all of the pages are filled, I’ll shred it, as I’ve shredded all of the others.

  Sitting on the floor in front of the window, letting the light from the streetlamp illuminate my page just enough to make out the lines, I write:

  January 3, 2019

  Hey you, are you still in there?

  I feel that I’m losing you, no matter how hard I try to hold on. I’ve resorted to small acts of rebellion. Yesterday I hung one of Thomas’s green shirts in with the blues. Moved that hideous vase on the coffee table two inches off-center. I wondered if he would even notice, but of course he did. And instructed me, oh so kindly, about the need for perfect order and the whole cleanliness-is-next-to-godliness doctrine.

  I’m
not so sure God is big on perfect order. Surely even He would get bored with that. Maybe that’s the reason for entropy. Imagine if everything just was perfect and stayed perfect and He had absolutely nothing to fix or do for eternity? Give me hell before that sort of heaven.

  And yes, God, I know You’re reading this because even my thoughts don’t really belong to me. So since You’re reading along, I want to ask You something. You know what I want, more than anything in the world?

  A room of my own, à la Virginia Woolf. Like Thomas’s study, only mine. I’d paint it soft blue, I think. And have one of those antique writing desks with the roll top. Wouldn’t it be lovely to sit and think and write like this in the middle of the day and not just first thing in the morning?

  I hear Thomas waking. Gotta go.

  Stay with me, Inner Liz. Please don’t ever leave me.

  I slide the journal back into its hiding place and shift smoothly into a routine perfectly orchestrated over the course of thirty years of marriage. Lights on. Slippers on my feet. I turn the burner on under the frying pan to heat the potatoes I prepped last night. Start the preloaded coffeepot.

  Precisely ten minutes later, I fix Thomas a mug of coffee with one scant spoonful of sugar and the perfect dollop of cream. I give the sizzling potatoes a stir. Lift the mug and turn, smile in place, to welcome my husband with fragrant coffee and a morning kiss.

  Chapter Two

  Click-clack. Click-clack. Yarn over, slide the stitch.

  My fingers itch with boredom. The clock on the wall says 4:15. Another hour and forty-five minutes until I’m released from this slow torture, and I’m already stuffed to the gills with gossip and innuendo. My butt aches from the hard wooden chair I’ve put myself in, having left the softer seats for my knitting circle guests. The baby blanket I’m knitting is only two inches long, with hundreds of dreary rows left to go.

  “Really, I can’t believe Marjorie asked to head up the committee,” Earlene is saying, her knitting needles clicking her righteous indignation. “Every week she’s at church, as it should be, of course. But surely she knows she can’t be in leadership when we all know what she’s up to. She doesn’t even try to hide it.”